Quasar Advanced Sneaker

If your daily routine consists entirely of posing motionless in front of a mirror or standing completely still in an elevator, these are the shoes for you! Pure luxury. However, a quick heads-up for anyone unreasonable enough to expect footwear to accommodate forward movement: the brilliant design team decided to put two distinct layers of fabric directly against the Achilles tendon. The result? A delightfully aggressive cheese-grater effect that kicked in within forty-five minutes. I’m thrilled to report that I ended my brief stroll with two bloody heels and a renewed appreciation for basic medical gauze. Five stars for standing; zero stars for functioning as actual shoes. But hey, at least they look great while they’re extracting blood.